Fear of the Bogeymen: The Internet! Nudity! Pandemic! More . . .

Yet another alarmist article has hit the media, warning us of the alleged dangers of the internet (people tend to forget that the internet is simply a tool – amongst other tools – all used in a number of ways)! The article refers not to crime, nor violence, but to being exposed to a photograph of male nudity. Traumatized by the image of a penis – I suppose nightmares might ensue. Of course, the person in question didn’t ask to see the photo (perhaps downloading the pesky attachment from an email entitled “Cutest Pet Pics Ever!”). I however imagine that the writer of the article likely grew up in a home with a resident male or two. Perhaps this was a family in denial – reminiscent of a twin-bed Hayes Code film universe – in which penises didn’t exist!

Female breasts: how hypocritical can we be? Typically mammalian commodities, breasts usually raise no issues – unless of course there is wardrobe malfunction (in which case innocent children may be allegedly corrupted!). If the breast in question is dispensing milk in a public place, society can go medieval. So skewed are values that is more acceptable in film scenarios to hack off a breast than to kiss one.

The current Swine Flu concern is reminiscent of the Bush administration Homeland Security Department fanning the flames of human insecurities – remember the color-coded security warnings? There were several bright colors involved as I recall, possibly causing one to awake in the morning pondering “Is it yellow or orange today? Should I go out? Should I stay in?” Mutating viruses are no doubt a cause for concern – but sealing international borders and slaughtering animals seem extreme. Resort to common sense. Wash your hands. Keep your hands off your face. Cover your sneezes. We learned this before first grade, remember?

Vitamin X Prevents Cancer! Vitamin X Causes Cancer! Click here to buy Vitamin X. Oh, the alarmism and informational overload! Is it really necessary to take a plethora of nutritional supplements in order to boost one’s immune system? Maybe. Maybe not. I’ve dropped a lot of vitamins onto the floor, which roll under the fridge. I’m watching for giant mutant cockroaches to crawl out and threaten my dogs.

Now excuse me while I go lock up.